suddenly something has happened to me,as i was having my cup of tea

this shall come soon

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 22:25:47 GMT

Somewhere in Texas by the yellow sand
Somewhere in Texas by the yellow sand
Somewhere in Texas I lost my man
Somewhere in Texas by the yellow sand

And how many times do I have to lose you
And how many times do I have to lose you
Before I realize
It's too late

A tornado I truly coming my way
A tornado is truly coming my way
It'll sweep the land
I think I'll stay
It'll sweep the land
I think I'll stay
Somewhere I lost my man
Somewhere in Texas by the yellow sand

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 22:25:17 GMT

girl im sorry but i'm leaving.
we're both at fault, we're both to blame.
and it wasn't the other men cause there were other women.
this just isn't love, it's just the remorse of a loss, of a feeling.
even if i stayed it just wouldn't be the same.

double this drink up into the, tallest glass you got.
you know i aint used to sleeping all, alone.
gonna make it to the moon tonight on a 1 way kamikaze flight.
if i could get so high i'll leave behind my problems,
take em out with the empty bottles.

oh girl sorry but i'm leaving.
we're both at fault, we're both to blame.
and it wasn't the other men cause there were other women.
this just isn't love it's just the remorse of a loss of a feeling
even if i stayed it just wouldn't be the same.

me & this guitar are going swinging blind into the unknown.
you know a song & a stage is all i ever needed of a home.
someday i, will call from a payphone in a truckstop on the road
& you'll tell me how much better off you've been on your own.

oh girl sorry but i'm leaving.
we're both at fault, we're both to blame.
and it wasn't the other men cause there were other women.
this just isn't love it's just the remorse of a loss of a feeling
even if i stayed it just wouldn't be the same.

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 22:24:43 GMT

This is not my town and it will never be
This is our apartment filled with your things
This is your life, I get copied keys
Try and force a little smile hold it a little while for you

These are your old streets and you know them well
One way shortcuts all the way downtown
But your favorite find is just my secondhand secret
Try and hide a little pain for the things
I can't explain to you

These are your good friends and I like them fine
Cuz they are your past and your present time
But would you even be the same if you left them behind
All the things I used to be
All the things I miss of me for you

These are your good friends and I like them fine
These are your old streets and you know them well
This is not my town and it will never be
And it will never be..... ours.

in spite of me...

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 14:09:01 GMT

Last night I told a stranger all about you
They smiled patiently with
disbelief
I always knew you would succeed no matter what you tried
And I
know you did it all in spite of me
Still I'm proud to have know you for the
short time that I did
Glad to have been a step up on your way
Proud to be
part of your illustrious career
And I know you did it all in spite of
me
In spite of me
Late last night I saw you in my living room
You
seemed so close but yet so cold
For a long time I thought that you'd be
coming back to me
Those kind of thoughts can be so cruel
So cruel And I
know you did it all in spite of me
In spite of me

_______________________________________________________

You look at me with uncertainty,
You look at me with urgency.
You look at me with fear in your eyes
like you're about to fall away.

But don't be afraid to change your colours now.
I've known you all Summer, and you rose above it all.
I see you hesitate to fall now,
But it's a pretty good view from down here, too.

And when the wind takes you, it takes me, too.
When you change colours, I change mine, too.
Try not to think, and I will try to.
When you let go, I will let go, too.

I knew you when you were green and strong.
You were like a feather on a wing, so long.
You know I will miss you when you are gone,
but don't be afraid if you just can't hang on.

'Cause when the wind takes you, it takes me, too.
When you change colours, I change mine, too.
Try not to think and I will try, too.
And when you let go, I will let go, too.

The cold air is pushing hard on you.
I know what you're saying; I can feel it, too.
You'll go through changes, and I'll go through them too.
Don't be afraid now, don't be afraid.

'Cause when the wind takes you, it takes me, too.
When you change colours, I change mine, too.
Try not to think and I will try, too.
And when you let go, I will let go, too

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 06:18:56 GMT

Every man I fall for
Drinks his coffee black
Love and hate are tattooed on his knuckles, and
My name is on his back

Suddenly, a cloud must have cut a hole in my head,
When i was tangled all in your words.
How quick to forget,
We are,
With eyes unimpressed
You're sealing the conversations.

You and I we were captured
We took our souls
and we flew away
We were right
we were giving
That's how we kept
what we gave away.

we had a promise made
four hands and then away
both under influence
we had divine scent
to know what to say
mind is a razor blade

Have I still got you to be my open door
Have I still got you to be my sandy shore
Have I still got you to cross my bridge in this storm
Have I still got you to keep me warm

You tell me you dont love me over a cup of coffee
And I just have to look away
A million miles between us
Planets crashing to dust
I just let it fade away

Well I know I make you cry
And I know sometimes you wanna die
But do you really feel alive without me?
If so, be free
If not, leave him for me
Before one of us has accidental babies
For we are in love

You will never waste my time, no, no
You will never waste my time, 'cause...
So come closer, baby
I want to see what you're made of
See what you're made of
'Cause this isn't all we could be
You're not the same, and I'm
I'm not the same

Oh wake me please when this is over
Oh when the ice is melted away
And the hunger returns
I will feel the same but older
And I'll be twice the bear that I thought I was
Where have you been?
And what have you done?

Nobody living can ever stop me,
As I go walking that freedom highway;
Nobody living can ever make me turn back
This land was made for you and me.

Let’s get out of this country
I’ll admit I am bored with me
I drowned my sorrows and slept around
When not in body at least in mind
We’ll find a cathedral city

Mais qui est ce qui m'a dit que toujours tu m'aimais?
Je ne me souviens plus c'était tard dans la nuit,
J'entend encore la voix, mais je ne vois plus les traits
"Il vous aime, c'est secret, lui dites pas que j'vous l'ai dit"
Tu vois quelqu'un m'a dit...

I once was lost but now i'm found was blind
But now I see you
How selfish of you to believe in the meaning of all the bad dreaming
Metal heart you're not hiding
Metal heart you're not worth a thing

Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.
When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

(And) honey
All the movements you're starting to make
See me crumble and fall on my face
And I know the mistakes that I made
See it all disappear without a trace
And they call as they beckon you on
They said start as you mean to go on
Start as you mean to go on

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

Hello,
Patterns in my mind now moving slow
Sorrow all across the surface roads
Smoothing out the edges of the stone
The lights are out, where'd everybody go?
Alone
Something so wild turned into paper
If you loved me, then that's your fault
If I miss you well that's my fault
That's my fault
That's my fault

I've still got sand in my shoes
And I can't shake the thought of you
I shake it all, forget you
Why, why would I want to
I know we said goodbye
Anything else would've been confused but I wanna see you again

Drink up baby, stay up all night
With the things you could do
You won't but you might
The potential you'll be that you'll never see
The promises you'll only make
Keep you apart, deep in my heart
Separate from the rest, where I like you the best
And keep the things you forgot

I'm never going to know you now
But I'm gonna love you anyhow
I'm here today and expected to stay on and on and on
I'm tired
I'm tired

I'm sorry, two words
I always think after you're gone
When I realize I was acting all wrong
So selfish, two words that could describe
Oh, actions of mine when patience is in short supply
We don't need to say goodbye
We don't need to fight and cry

And it's impossible to tell
How important someone was
And what he might have missed out on
And how he might have changed it all
And how you might have changed it all for him
And how he might have changed it all
And how he might have changed it all for you

In a Manner of speaking
I just want to say
That I could never forget the way
You told me everything
By saying nothing

And I hope you feel better
Now that it's out
What took you so long
And the truth has a habit
Of falling out of your mouth
But now that it's come
If you don't mind
Leave, leave,
And please yourself at the same time
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you have to now
Leave, leave

You're moving too fast for me
And I can't keep up with you
Maybe if you slowed down for me
I could see you're only telling
Lies, lies, lies
Breaking us down with your
Lies, lies, lies
When will you learn

In the morning
When you turn in
I'll be far to sea
You have broken me, all the way down
You'll be the last, you'll see
What chance have we got
When you missed every shot
From me

I'm scratching at the surface now
And I'm trying hard to work it out
So much has gone misunderstood
This mystery only leads to doubt
And I didn't understand
When you reached out to take my hand
And if you have something to say
You'd better say it now

Give me your hand
And take what you will tonight, I'll give it as fast
And high as the flame will rise
Cinder and smoke

I've been looking in churches and looking in bars
Thought that I saw you in the oncoming cars
It was your reflection cast off by the light
And into the sky of this dark city night
Where in the world are you now?
Oh where in the world are you?

And I was strong, strong in the sun
I thought Id see when day is done
Now Im weaker than the palest blue
Oh, so weak in this need for you

Did you hold the hand that held me down?
Did you laugh at my expense?
When there's rust upon your ragged crown
Who will stand at your defense?

You don’t listen when he says,
That you don’t love him for his brain but for his head,
So pretty and so safe and so misread,
You don’t need this kid,
Could it be this kid?
But the girl you speak, so goddamn dangerous,
Could it be you’re just like the rest of us?
“has this gone much too far?” she said
“has this gone much too far?”
“I don’t know who you are”
“I don’t know who you are”
You keep your trophies on the wall,
Well I’ll take the door instead.

Which will you go for
Which will you love
Which will you choose from
From the stars above
Which will you answer
Which will you call
Which will you take for
For your one and all
And tell me now
Which will you love the best.

Which do you dance for
Which makes you shine
Which will you choose now
If you won't choose mine
Which will you hope for
Which can it be
Which will you take now
If you won't take me
And tell me now
Which will you love the best.

Don't be shy you learn to fly
And see the sun when day is done
If only you see
Just what you are beneath a star
That came to stay one rainy day
In autumn for free
Yes, be what you'll be.

Know that I love you
Know I dont care
Know that I see you
Know Im not there.

Just as you take my hand
Just as you write my number down
Just as the drinks arrive
Just as they play your favourite song
As your bad mood disappears
No longer wound up like a spring
Before you've had too much
Come back in focus again

You are my centre when I spin away
Out of control on videotape
On videotape
This is my way of saying goodbye
Because I can't do it face to face
No matter what happens now
I won't be afraid
Because I know today has been the most perfect day I've ever seen.

I am all the days that you choose to ignore

I don't want to be your friend
I just want to be your lover
No matter how it ends
No matter how it starts

So no of course we cant be friends
Not while Im still this obsessed

I fell in love again
all things go, all things go
drove to Chicago
all things know, all things know
we sold our clothes to the state
I don't mind, I don't mind
I made a lot of mistakes
in my mind, in my mind

I'd swim across Lake Michigan
I'd sell my shoes
I'd give my body to be back again
In the rest of the room
To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you

Please excuse me but I got to ask
Are you only being nice
Because you want something
You know the answer so why do you ask
I am only being nice
Because I want someone, something
The more I try to erase you
The more, the more
The more that you appear

Baby, let your light shine on me
When I'm lost on the road
You know you could set me free
You could ease my load
Baby, when I was young of age, I took you for my world
The oceans were your eyes, the pastures were your curves
But now I'm all alone stranded in the West
Where you sleep tonight I can only guess

You got hair that recalls me of rivers
Runs softly while you dream of you
But your heart is so cold that it shivers
'Cause that I know is I'm nothing to you

Back and forth that voice of yours keeps me up at night
Help me search to find the words that eat you up inside
I go side to side like the wildest tides in your hurricane
And I only hide what is on my mind because I can't explain
What if I do love
What if I don't?
I'd have to lose everything just to find you
Should I stay or should I go alone? I cannot decide

Cause I heard that you forgot that you were (a) lover
And lovers you've got one or two
But you can't tell one from the other

Well no I don't care, no I don't mind,
if you don't hear a word from this broke heart of mine.
But can I borrow your face just to unload my mind,
borrow your face just to unload my mind.

Wait, they don’t love you like I love you;
And wait, they don’t love you like I love you;
Ma-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aps;
Wait! They don’t love you like I love you.....

cause people will say all kinds of things
that don't mean a damn to me
cause all I see
is whats in front of me
and that's - you

Cheers darlin'
You gave me three cigarettes to smoke my tears away
And I die when you mention her name
And I lied, I should have kissed you
When we were runnin' in the rain
What am I darlin'?
A whisper in your ear?
A piece of your cake?
What am I, darlin?
The boy you can fear?
Or your biggest mistake?
Cheers darlin'
Here's to you and your lover girl

Oh I know that I left you in places of despair
Oh I know that I love you, so please throw down your hair
At night I trip without you, and hope I don't wake up
'Cause waking up without you is like drinking from an empty cup

Those times that I was broke, and you stood strong
I hope I find a place where I feel I belong
Sleep, don't weep, my sweet love
My face is all wet 'cause my day was rough

And she may rise, if I sing you down
And she may wisely cling to the ground
Cause I am lately, horny
So why would she take me horny?

..........

please let me tell you...

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 02:42:26 GMT

I am jumping through hoops of indifference running to the final line,to an incomprehensible aim, to swallow the lust and desire to have what i will never get to have.Now the run has turned into a slow walk with lots of trails going on tangents and i have forgotten what was behind the final line. meeting strangers along the way to comfort, and occasional feelings.There's nothing but cold,blue frosted eyes,and the desire to implode without a trace.
I don't know how to express myself, i don't know if i should express myself at all? If it didn't matter for so long,why would it matter now?

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 18:44:42 GMT

i feel like i'm 30.
for a lot of reasons

i am back

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 04:52:48 GMT

to say that german guys are officially one of the most attractive men i've ever seen.
i'm just a blue eyes freak
and yeah i wil piss my pants for blue eyes and a big smile;)

i miss my foreign heart that is currently on the other continent

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 04:56:09 GMT

you know the feeling when you can claim the right to treat a person a certain way?
treat them somehow and not consider anything, as if you own them in a way even if you don't? when you know you're so close to them that nobody else could be and you have this powerful will to comment and act as if you're superior to the others around that person? as if you're the keeper of his/her secrets and none else will have access to it without your consent?
i get that feeling sometimes.
i love my best friends, i love that they're straight forward with me whatever happens, i love their ability to remember all the little things i never pay attention to an vice versa.
i love coming from a poor country where kids hang out with homeless dogs, where we eat sunflower seeds and drink beer, where cops just don't matter cause they're so corrupt. i love knowing that walking into a village is like walking into someone's life, and that you're never going to get out of it sober.
i also love the smell of the city, the garbage and the sweat, the hot days without air conditioning, the cold days without snow shoes, the bars filled with cigarette smoke, the gigs, the concerts, being tight up close to one another. the freedom of roaming roofs and having sex in public places without getting caught.unisex bathrooms and cheap cigarettes. i love looking at the cracks in the pavement,the patterns that they make.
i like when my feet lead me and not the engine.i like going through my phone book and calling people to randomly hang out with. i love when you run out of minutes and the only thing you can do is send a free message that always says the same thing "please call me"/ "te rog suna-ma"/"pozvoni mne pojaluista"and your limit is 6 a day.
and i love that you can get into festivals and concerts if you :
1." bring 3 lids of a certain kind of beer"
2. "bring a pack of CamelLights"
3. "bring a chocolate"
4. "a prepaid cell phone card"
i am not bullshitting,i just miss home.

and every time i fall for someone, i deeply wish they are going to come home with me and experience all these things.and every time i realize i've fallen for the wrong person.and every time i realize they have not seen enough in this life and they are just not ready.if your middle class is relatively ok to you,well it's the bourgeoisie to us.
it took me long to adjust,and i realize all the values i've built up around me are still here and it makes me go forward as long as i have them.it keeps me moving and motivated,as long as they are next to my heart, as long as i come home the same person every time, as long as i don't come home as snob and a capitalist pig - there is a reason to live.

time to go smoke.
barefootwalks

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 02:27:07 GMT

thats him.
thats me.
everybody said we wouldn't have made a good couple. were they right to judge?no. did they know me? no.

someone what would want to commit, without too much pain in the ass. make it short and clear. yeah, i do want to call you and see if you could come over just to say goodnight at least once in a human lifetime.

i realized what my problem is. today was the enlightement day. i am bored. and not physically bored. i am mind-bored. i still read, it doesnt really help anymore. i am bored as far as this game is just not a game anymore. everything i've aimed for, i've achieved. i'm done with fixing my life. goddamn i got a job at Godiva, there's nothing better than a european selling european chocolate in america. i've fixed all the little issues, problems, painted the walls of my brain, and now i am bored.
i want someone to care about. someone..shit , yeah, this is just,...it's beeen to damnnn looonggg.

the sad part is, my brain still works the same way- i am not interested in people that are interested in me.(guys). i'd much rather want them not to pay any attention therefoe for me to have a goal, than have everything at my feet.

back to the same words.i didnt ever get a chance.

'patterns in my mind now moving slow'

fuckkkkkkk

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 05:35:50 GMT

fucking shit
now i can only admit it when i'm drunk
i still fucking want him godddddammmnitttt

Get out of my head!
At random in the dark, from the middle of a concert,
Through the crowd, through security, through the doors, through the park,
In order to stand for a bit on a bridge over water.

Get out of my head!
Here is a mess as it is. It's scattered photos, threw out the things,
Annihilated the evidence.
All CDs were dropped into a trash-can.

Get out of my head!
Your new boyfriend cracked up all my passwords,
my e-mails were disclosed, he read all my letters to you,
What the fuck! What the fuck!

Get out of my head!
Barefoot, head over heels, with a suit-case in your hand
Or without it - light-handed, far off here
Until I drive on a trucker over you.

Get out of my head!
Over Moscow on a broom, by steep and toilsome ways to the stars
On L-plate with L-letter in equal triangle
in the left up corner of rear window.
_______________________________________

There's money lenders inside the temple
this crystal citys gonna fall apart
when all their power turns into vapour
if I miss you well thats my fault
thats my fault
thats my fault

theres money lenders inside the temple
the circus tigers gonna break your heart
something so wild turned into paper
if I loved you well that's my fault.

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 04:03:32 GMT

i am getting skinnier and skinnier..

i feel like holding my head in my hands and sitting for hours and just listening to George Winston,he's just that amazing. instrumental music always had a huge effect on me. it's always a 80% chance i'm going to cry, it just triggers something inside every time, it might be a call from one of my past lives or maybe it is just too beautiful and i can't express my feelings in any other way so i just- cry.

i'm extremely calm , my head hurts but otherwise everything's ok..

i've been thinking about people a lot lately. about time and age. honestly most of the people i look at @ school, they all look really young to me. young is not a good word for it, i would say GREEN. and most of them are 22 and up. and i cant believe it every time i find out.i look at myself and realize that i am somewhat beyond the point that they're at right now, and i just cant figure out why are they growing so slow. they are kids in adult bodies,it is funny, but it is stupid too.

i want to be a flight attendant after i graduate college.i've been thinking about it for quite a while now and today i got to talk to somebody that has actually done it before. it's awesome.....
and hopefully one day i'll get a house with huge windows, and most of all, somebody to love..

yeah....

may i see your receipt?

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 02:07:02 GMT

i think that's it.
it's the end of livejournal for me..i had it when i needed it, now i dont. i know i've said that i'm putting an end to all of this many times before, but there's no further point that i could take it to. it's a dead end.
sometimes i like dealing with dead end situations in life. it makes me stronger at handling and dealing with things or people.

i've given too much in the name of "love", i've sacrificed relationships, i've hurt people, to find out on a windy day that - it wasn't worth it. therefore, all the heart that i put into everything- was just not worth it. well now i'm a bitch in my own eyes for all the people that got their brain damaged because of me....

and wow, all i'm left with is a drawing, and a lot of music that just calls out for things that i dont want to remember and i think it is clean up time.

i am,fixing my life.stick with me.

it is harder now that i've ever thought.i have to stand up on my own, over and over again, and this time i had a lot to lose and i did end up losing it. double failure. this is the time you need that hand...but now that i've been with myself for a year now i know i can do it, i can do whatever..even though emotional stress(of course) has a negative effect on my body.

i try not to take it close to heart. i've got my shield up high again, even though i like being open to people, i just do not want to go down the drain again for caring too much.

ciao bello,
nice meeting you,
i am hitting the road again,
this is all that shall be left behind me...

i sure as hell wish that love will be kinder to me

Thu, 22 May 2008 16:37:29 GMT

fell in love.
american
eyes and hair
hands and smile
roadtrips
sunshine
bella
memories
are killing me.
i love him.
i do.
i'm sorry. again.

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 00:31:07 GMT

i am not sure what i am crying about
i am not sure..
i am not sure...

2 hours later..

i'm in awesome mood most of the time and then i let something bring me down and i feel like i am falling from thousands of feet, falling into my own arms,hugging my own self because there's nobody else to catch me. i feel extremely sad. right now.this right moment i feel numb and cold and used and really fucking tired and shattered and lonely and ugh all these things . i heard Colin Hay's - I just don't think I'll ever get over you =(( today for the first time and that was sooo soo right on...
i just want to be right there with you right now. i could've died in all those moments.i could've died happily. i could've died carelessly
this is never going to happen again.give me some pills,i can't stand my sick self anymore. i am being self destructive again.
i have just downloaded the diving bell and the butterfly and i want to watch it again.but not now, not now..

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 04:14:03 GMT

i am sad
i just realized it
i am sad

why do people that i love always turn their back to me?
i love them, dont they know it?
i mean fuck yes they know it.
i just dont know what to do anymore.
i just looked at pictures.
i just read my journal from that short lovely time..
i am sad
i am sad that i cant get over it
i am sad that it's gone
i am sad that he doesnt even care enough to see if im still alive or not
i am sad of all the things that he has ever said to me because they were just empty promises
i am sad of all the things he has said to be because i dont believe him anymore,he proved me wrong
i am sad because i let things like this get me down
i am sad of all the universe that was helping me out at that time and pointing at him the whole time
i am sad because there wont be people like him
i am sad because i didn't even get a chance
i am sad because he didnt even get to see who i am
i am sad because i didn't even..i dont know anymore
i am just sad.
.....

i still exist

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 02:54:49 GMT

keep you apart deep in my heart
separate from the rest
where I like you the best and keep the things you forgot..

the people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
that push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

remember? remember me?

"How tired I am of this unbearable distance between us.
How I long for the toll of the recess bell.
Have you forgotten me?
Grown mindless of me?
Tell me I am not writing into an abyss
or that is what will become of my heart..."

ugh oh, such a long day it feels.
and i am thousands of light years away from you..how pathetic cause i live down the street.ironic,ha?
whatever, really. i dont know if going away will help,i am scared that it won't. time doesnt CURE shit. really,whenever a fucked up memory pops up in my head, it feels the EXACT same way it did years ago.it's bullshit.time doesnt cure, and time is not going to make you forget. i can forget a last name, a street, a city name, any random little stuff,i will never forget the people in my life.even if they come and go. i will flip back just like looking through and album with pictures and remember the exact time and day, i will remember your birthday and zodiac sign and everything that has happened in between us. thats why i'm scared. this distance will only change the fact that i wont be able to call ( not that i have in the past 2 or 3 months) without being charged a ridiculous amount of money. this distance wont change the fact that i will get online and see u there, oh the fucking network system. world wide web,and i am the fly trapped in it.
life is going good though.but i know myself : [side story] i have waited for a particular someone for 2 fucking years, not that i was a saint and single and shit, but deep inside i was waiting for him to finally meet him two years later and realize that i have put him out on a pedestal,and the whole thing turned out to be a huge disappointment.
now,knowing myself i will still long for his arms the next 6 months. i dont even know WHY. i really dont. it's scary too. knowing my platonic love capabilities this could turn out in a never-ending story. no no no i dont want that.
as days go by, sometimes i stop and look around, and particular things remind me of him. when i was leaving the school today i glanced at the dorms , and a feeling of loss and time came over me and covered me like a wave of moods and memories. i though to myself 'just get in the fucking car and go home, it's DONE, it's OVER, it's in the PAST, DEAL WITH IT, u're never get it back,it's the way it is now and eveything's ok'. my car was parked in the same spot as 5(?) months ago on an overcast day, i saw his car in the parking lot by the dorm, i called his cell phone just to hear this voice mail go off over and over again,and i looked at smth i got him sit beside me, and sigh sigh sigh, turn the engine on, reverse, drive...away. i hated those days. i hated all the ignorance,indifference, inability to make up him mind, all the coldness and the "i dont care but i do care " attitude.. god.. somebody get my head straight again.i beg you.
now he's not there anymore, but i am. and i am the same one. he's not. i thought his trip would make him a better person, but it just feels like he became even more "american" than he was when i first met him. he used to talk about going out and moving to europe, raising the kids there, getting married in Italy (how cliche, how many times could you say this to random girls you like and not get tired of saying the same thing). anyway..i feel like i need to go outside now and have a smoke.

but what can i say, like C said, he cant afford me. i question things. i question whatever he does, i do not care about wiping his ass off, i'm ok if he's not around all the time cause i've got my own life in first place. he just needs one of those bleached hair blonde dumbasses that are like purse dogs. the little pup to follow him around and never question, cause everything he does is just perfect [please catch my sarcasm]. no i am not mean. i am just too realistic after life has slapped my face a bunch of times. i just see it the way it is, and oh god i've got the balls to ADMIT it, and take things the way they are. and thanks to my good intuition too , that has helped me through and through. 500 girl friends on myspace, all posting same shit :you are so cute, you are adorable. and his replies : "hangout soon?" "hi, i'm X, you're cute". i mean how fucking clicheeee.....i though you went to an art school dummy? how about some imagination, variety, value and emphasis?!!!
i mean really, i wouldnt expect this from someone that has read so many books, written some amazing poetry and stood up for so many things?!!! why try be something u are not?!

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 05:01:56 GMT

i could write a book.at least a novel. at least a poem, at least a tag on the wall. of all the things,i have , had to say.
i had to stand beside him,invisible, all the time..as cheesey as it might sound just like a guardian angel,always checking on him, seeing if everything's ok. right now im just writing shit off of the top of my head, listening to elliott smith, having a feeling of freedom and attachment at the same time. i can not believe i still love you.really. i can not believe it. it's strange. i can accept it though. i'm slowly learning how to deal with it. how to be not about ego and pride and rather just about love, cause when u love everything u're not attached to anything. and now i am taking my journey, and i dont know how long the quest will take this soul.
i'm going up north this weekend, i am going out east the weekend after,to the ocean,cause i never know when i'll see it again. and the monday after the beach i will be saying goodbye to the ocean out of the plane window..later there will be a lot of drinking and long walks.a lot of love and family. later i will be probably train hopping out in the boonies of wild life..far far away..im planning on a backpack and a bottle of water. i want to walk miles and miles through the fields, i want to shoot slides on large format cameras, i want to carry my guitar everywhere. i've been writing riffs and stuff lately, inspiration just keeps coming.
after, i will be flying out west, walking through hilly SF, glamorous beaches of CA, maybe polished surf boards of Hawaii, and lots of wine and tan. and love. and family. later i will come back, and realize, i still love you. but not say a word. and i will continue my education till i blow up one day or tie myself to a deck chair with lots of helium balloons and go wherever the wind takes me.dead or alive i will be looking for something else,something new.
i am soon to leave. all these emotions are so, fresh again. all the anxiety and i already feel like i miss people from here, but i'm already mentally sleeping in my bed at home and walking the streets with my sister and holding my brother, and i am already on that train smoking parliaments and reading books in english. i am already there with elliott smith lyrics, with a little bit of confusion and lots of love.
its getting late, i'm getting late on myself, i am not looking for anything besides the road, the one it feels like i was born on the road..
freewheelin...
lovin..
you.
=barefootwalks=

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 23:00:29 GMT

Are you younger than 29?
si

Ever kissed anyone with a name starting with C?
ugh...no?

Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
neither

Have you ever fallen into a mud puddle?
m,no

Do you like winter?
only if there's lots of snow and hot tea

If you could own a monkey, would you?
no,thanks

Have you ever given a random person your number?
si

Would you make a good parent?
hell yes

How many pillows do you sleep with?
as many as possible.i sleep with them,but not on them

Do you like hugs and kisses?
yeah if they're honest

what was the last thing you had to drink?
water

Who was the last person to make you smile?
Maffkaaa...

What are you doing tomorrow?
good question, hopefully not a lot cause i am TIRED

Who's car were you in last?
KB's

If you were stranded on an island, what would you want with you?
a special someone

How's your heart lately?
it is

What was the last thing to make you angry?
ugh the scholarship letter

Why are you doing this survey?
because i havent done this in a long long time and i dont feel like thinking about shit too much

Last 4 digits of your number
haha

Who was the last person you hugged?
KB?

The last person you held hands with, did it mean anything?
it did to me.whatever

What are you doing tonight?
watching a movie,maybe drinking,reading or knitting meanwhile

Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?
yes

How tall are you?
170cm?

What do you want to be when you grow up?
i am what i am,already,there's no need to GROW UP,it's all bullshit folks...it's all bullshit

What time do you usually wake up on the weekends?
whenever i get enough sleep

Do you like peanut butter?
nooooo

If you could live in any other country, which one would you pick?
another one? i dont know..

What color are your bed sheets?
crimson red

What’s aggravating you at the moment?
nuthing

Whats your favorite piece of jewelry?
my chain ring,fishhook necklace

What time is it?
almost 6

Are you missing anyone?
i dont even know anymore..not really to be honest.ill be home soon so ftw

Are you outgoing?
it reallyyyy DEPENDS

Where do you wish you were right now?
by any body of water

How is life going for you right now?
fast,i feel like i cant even keep up with it.iit feels like the fastest rollercoaster i've been on in a while

What are you looking forward too?
the end of this fucking semester...

Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
warm breezy weather

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 03:56:25 GMT

my heart started beating.faster.
maybe because of all the caffeine
maybe because of all the nicotine
maybe because of all the stress

i hate being silent when i have things to say. it's like im poisoning myself by keeping it all in.

11.11 , does somebody still love me?

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 04:34:01 GMT

she said, 'it's been happening for so long and i'm single, it it trying to say i'll always stay single?'
i dont know where she got that from.
cultures, they are so different. somebody else told me ' you shold be happy, that means somebody loves you' . sigh . oh well, should i just say "bullshit" or pretend i believe in fairy tales?
i dont know the reason life brought him into my life, and if there is NO reason, than i'm taking a chill pill, because really " WHAT THE FUCK?"
on such a fucking gorgeous and peacefull day, did i really have to run into his fucking face on a SPEEDBUMP??? life's making fun of me. haha life, good joke. jesus fucking christ. i've been planing on not seeing him in a month or two, or even till fall semester. yeah,right, you can laugh your ass off at my plans.
besides that, my body almost had a "beauty attack today". so we're out pretty far off from where i live,and i pull into this parking lot with an amazing person next to me, and i get out of the car, barefoot, shirt,a 35mm camera and 8 rolls of film, cotton skirt, dylan glasses, sunshine, and there it is, we're out in the woods,and it's SILENT, it's so fucking SILENT to the point when i would have to say that 'you would really not believe it'. and i look at her and i realize that i dont even have to say anything and i didnt even DARE to disturb that amazing moment. so i just stood there, barefoot and inept, like i wasnt me at all. this whole day was like a therapy. starting from a delicious healty breakfast in the company of amazing artists, to a cup of americano and parliaments(of course) with my somewhat twin in a way and a walk in the park + good conversations to all of that, then to a drive out of the city and black and white photography, dinner with another amazing person and long conversation outside at a random luch table under the stars.
i had lyrics stuck in my head all day today
"Thought that I saw you in the oncoming cars
It was your reflection cast off by the light
And into the sky of this dark city night"
"my heart is heavy, it's going to fall
out of my body

unto love, unto love
oh my heart is heavy, it's going to fall
out of my body

leave it behind,
it behind"

"with one foot on my back
and the other on the rail
I don't want to see you fall
I just want to see you fail"

"When there's rust upon your ragged crown
Who will stand at your defense?"

"but you want someone i'm not so it's time for me to go"

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 05:32:41 GMT

12.26 am. i was washing my face and your comment popped up in my head 'you are gorgeous'. yeah? well let me tell you this:
i have 32 white teeth without cavities, i am russian/romanian/ukranian/tatarian, i am single and 5'6'' 108lbs, 36.7 C is my body temperature, i speak 5 languages,i've got 5 piercings and two eyes, i am an artist in residence and have just been nominated best in show, im also a FA student and a smoker, and i have 10 toes and 10 fingers, two legs which make an ASS at the end of it and 5 pairs of shoes,2 bracelets on each wrist and a fish hook as a necklace,i love to read and drive by myself, rainy days rock my world.
does that make me 'gorgeous' too?
ive had a really good day, i feel like i could bitch at you right now and then have a make out session.
im sorry
good night.

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 03:49:29 GMT

so...

5th rainy day.but what a day.eh.
so i overslept like i always do, but it didnt really affect the plans i had for today. i got a phone call from the school telling me that i should come to school at @ 1pm to get my prize ( uuuu :) ).so with an empty stomach and no nictotine i left the house and got to school. we had an yart sale and getting ready for a new show and there were cute guys playing guitar in the cafe, but i took my place in the wood shop where i was supposed to be,and worked on my molds (booooring...but relaxing).so they started announcing the prizes at around 1.30pm, and i get the first one, Most Creative, and then they award a 3 more, and im all down because since i've already gotten one im not going to get another one and stuff,and it wasnt that much money either, so i was like 'this is not even worth it'...and all of the sudden the announce the BEST IN SHOW and it meeee!!!!its fucking me...it was unbelievable! it felt soooo fucking good. i got 2 awards, so 2 cash prizes and it will look pretty damn good on my resume for the scholarship next week,apart from all the other things that i've done. so we went to bongo java to celebrate with some espresso and parliaments.
i've had people approach me even TODAY and tell me things about this drawing. so i want to thank u J, in a way, because if it wasn't about u , i wouldn't have been hooked up on GLS, i wouldn't have been sewing myself back up together, i wouldn't have gotten the money, even though i really deserve it as a recovery for all the stupid fucking bullshit u put me through. so we just polished off a bottle of my dad's wine and a bottle of champagne, and i've been thinking about u the whole damn time. it's pathetic. im pathetic. but u're adorable, even though u're an asshole. it's been 10 days. i'm keeping my mouth shut. it's been really hard today since i really wanted to write u a letter or something. i dont know.
my repetitive 333's 222's and 111's and 444's and 555's have stopped happening.ever since i submitted that thing. it's really awkward , but i feel relieved.
i want to date a dark skinned portuguesse or brazilian guy.eh,that would be amazing.
but i still notice i've got something to blonde guy. like that guy in the library yesterday. ug,oh . haha
i had a random conversation with this guy that worked at the antiques store by the coffee shop, i really wanted to buy a window frame from him but i didnt have the cash. and i took that bird cage from school, hopefully i'll get nice weather for this weekend for the photoshoot.
'nyways, life is weird. that's about it.. best in show,hah? who would've thought?

peace.
iLove
BarefootWalks

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 04:05:27 GMT

sometimes listening to music is just not enough.it makes me want to do something else with it too. i havent figured out yet what,but hopefully i will.
its been raining for 4 days.
ive been getting compliments about the drawing for 4 days,im anxious to hear the results.
i've been having nightmares.i cant remember the last time i had a good dream.
i am tired of taking pictures of pretty people and pretty things. i started shooting nudes, i started thinking about feminism more after today's presentation, i am noticing how many people are in the whole "beat" movement and shit, it makes me sick sometimes. 'nyway, talking about nudes, i dont want to use photoshop for any other reason besides colors, i am tired of editing out things, i want everything to be natural and the way it is. i also want to write an artist's statement, i just feel like writing a statement.
i'm out of ciggs again,goddamn, i want some with my morning coffee.
succesefully spent another $20 on paper, it's worth it though,i really need to get my portfolio together for the scholarship for next week. Ehh.. 3 more weeks? hell yes..
im really unhappy with the fall schedule though,and im on fucking waiting list for printmaking : ( god fucking damn it. im seriously thinking about transfering after next year. but my opinion changes with my mood, and my mood with the weather and so on ;)))

BLUE WORLD,
SLEEP WELL.

iLove
BarefootWalks

pas d'excuses

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 02:01:10 GMT

a letter to you after a long break.

i find myself happy and free. often think if i would want to go back and change things and i understand that i dont. i still love, i still trust you, in a way, i sure do miss you every now and then. i'm an artist at soul. i cannot stop, loving art, loving people, seeing colors, noticing little things, being awkward and antisocial, not belonging to a group, not enjoying big companies.
i look back and i feel used in a way. i feel like it was always about the body and the sexual attraction than anything else. i felt objectified. u played with me like a toy and put me back on the shelf like i had no feelings at all. did it make me stronger? i dont know. it's always hard for me letting go of things, not that they had ever belonged to me, but they are sure part of my heart and what i am now.
i am finally done with my drawing. from a simple assignment it ended up being a psychological self-portrait on everything that was attached to you, about lust,love,broken insides,second layer of skin,about identity, about being naked, about being close, about not being invincible anymore,about exposing yourself to strangers, about being an open book. about sewing yourself together, over and over again.
if it wasnt all the shit you put me through, i wouldn't have ended up doing this. and people enjoyed it. people complimented me two days in a row about it. i wish they could read it like i want them to, but i like them interpreting it in their own way too.
i feel disconnected from the world, and i feel tied up with it at the same time. it's not a love hate relationship. it's a love-love relating. are we indigo? are you indigo? perhaps i have called you a magnet before, you are, attracting me to your assholish self even after all the crap u made me swallow.
words dont have meaning anymore when they are raped, over-used, and not in their place. your words dont mean shit to me anymore, all your insincere apologies, all your lame excuses, all the days i spent under the clouds, choking myself, was it ever worth it? no. have u ever been honest? the first two days maybe. all the rest of it was just baby talk.
i want to open up a studio, i want to make art , and not learn how to make art. i find it quite pointless a lot of the times.i want to wake up, walk upstairs barefoot in a shirt and a cup of coffee to a studio with natural light and bid windows, replace the ashtray, put some music on, open up the windows,walk out on the porch and light up that cigarette, enjoy the sun, and make art, read books, collect wine and..love.
i want to hug the world like it's the only thing i have or have ever had. i want to experience it, and not take it for granted. i want to invest time in someone that is really worth it, and i want to find ourselves sitting outside and playing guitar accompanied by foreign language lyrics.